“You okay?”
I hate this question. I’m not the silent treatment type. If something is wrong, I WANT to talk it out. Unless I truly don’t want to talk about it (Which normally means I’m inside of my head and not offended by something.)
Which, if I’m being honest, it kind of makes me tailspin. “No, nothing is wrong. But something must act like it’s wrong. Maybe I’m putting off a vibe… Ugh, why do you have a problem being normal?! People think there’s something wrong with you and there isn’t. Or is there? Are you upset about something?!” I search my brain to see if MAYBE I REALLY AM UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IT YET?!
Finishing up April and this was my thought process. A lot. I finished the month of April accomplishing almost none of my goals for the month. Personal, professional, health…. Nada. And I was letting it eat at me. I told Lee on Sunday that I just felt like one big disappointment. Like I was disappointing people all around me - but most of all, disappointing myself.
However, with just hours left on the month of no-goals-met, I was reminded of the need to choose joy. It had been a hard month: stomach bug, autoimmune flare, a remodel which sent my Type A spinning…. So many friends in bad bad situations… I was in my head and I was drowning in sorrow for friends and family… and for myself.
All of those things combined and I was deep in, what our pastor calls, “Stinkin’ Thinkin’”. But I had a friend who posted this upbeat post that reminded me that I was choosing a slump. I was choosing this negative thought process just by not doing anything to combat it.
So, this morning, I noticed the weather was way too pretty to not go for a walk outside. I mean, I felt too defeated to run… I hadn’t run since my back went out in October. But my chiropractor has that healing so much. And I had run half marathons before. Pregnant. Surely I could do the first day of a couch to 5K… So, I suited up. I was going to tackle this thing. And I couldn’t do it alone.
So, I asked God to combat my negative thoughts with thoughts of gratitude and we had a LONG conversation about that today. I would say the negative thought and then I would wait for Him to reveal truth to me. And He showed up.
“I hate that my body has revolted against itself and feels so tired and run down.”
-“Your body took a toll during delivery of two awesome kiddos. You body is still working to heal itself. And how awesome that the body I made for you has been such a comeback kid when the odds were stacked against you.”
“Ugh. My back.”
-“I made your body a little lopsided. It will force you to rest when your enneagram 3 says “no”. Listen to it.”
“I feel so sad for _______ and their current struggle with ________”
-“I know. I’m sad for them too. But I’m with them and I’m holding them. Trust me in that and you just love on them. I love them and their situation more than you do.”
“I didn’t meet my goal with _____”
-“But, this month you worked with your husband remodeling a room and spending money and you didn’t argue once. You worked together as a team and had a lot of great conversations. You nursed your family back to health when they were sick. You observed Lent during a time of complete spiritual exhaustion. You spent time with family and stayed up with your Bible reading. My mercies are new every morning. Act like it. Some goals may not have been met. But, this month was surely not a wash.”
“I was late for _____”
-“You showed up.”
“These kiddos are trying me. I am a complete failure at raising them.”
-“I gave these kids to YOU because I trusted you with them. You prayed for them and Lee and I gave them to you specifically. Treat them (both with actions and words) with that amount of care and love. They know they’re safe and loved. They don’t raise themselves and it takes hard work and consistency. Don’t forget your goal is to raise them to know my love. Love them like I do. Sometimes that means discipline. Sometimes it means grace. I’ll let you know when to do which. But let me in when you’re struggling. I love them so much more than you do. You’re not alone. And don’t let them sass.”
(Okay… maybe that last sentence was my input/high five as I received that one…)
“I feel overwhelmed and like a disappointment.”
-“You can’t disappoint me. To be disappointed, you have to have expectations. I don’t have any. I split the sea and I prepare the way. But you have to get up and do the thing. Today, you put on your shoes and your worship music. Don’t beat yourself up about the past. I don’t ask you to meet human expectations because that is an impossible task. I ask you to do the tasks I put before you and to love people along the way. Today, rest in that. Tomorrow, show up again. I told you in James to consider it pure joy when tests and trials come your way. Sometimes you forgot to chat with me about it and you forgot that part. But today, we’re talking it out. Today, is a new day and a new month. My thoughts toward you are ones of victory and not defeat. But the battle is mine not yours. Just as this run has been one of the first in a long time and it’s been hard and will make you sore. Tomorrow, show back up and it will get easier. We’ll do it together. Don’t lift your chin for your own work. Nothing you do is on your own. I am the lifter of your head. Let me do the work and give me the glory. Everything else is just things of the world. Don’t forget this whole thing is about me. Hold that head I made high, child. You’re mine and you’re deeply loved. Last month was hard and you’re tired. But you’re seen and known and I gave you the grace to get through it and will give it to you again.”
I ran in silence for a bit… no thinking or talking. God was silent too.
Then He spoke as I faced my least favorite hill of our neighborhood:
-“Carmen, life is a lot like running. You’re going to go up hills and down hills. It’s the way it works. Sometimes you’ll think you won’t make it up or that it’s too steep to go down. But I’ve given you the scriptures to prepare you to give you insight to what I’m thinking. And then let’s talk about what you think I’m saying. For now, admire the smell of that lilac in their yard, laugh at the dog whose bark is bigger than his bite, admire the older gentleman whose legs have been holding him up a long time and he chooses to walk. Enjoy the sunshine. Thank me for your body and your circumstances of the last month. Trust me. Now, remember these words and don’t believe what other people tell you more than what I have said to you. Remember, this is about me to begin with.”
By this point in my run, I couldn’t tell what was sweat and what was tears. But I was up that hill. Tomorrow, I’ll show back up. Tomorrow, I will continue to choose joy. Even if He has to remind me.
