The truth is that this has been the most TRYING and DIFFICULT time of my life. It has tried my faith, my marriage, my personal sense of being. The truth is, since November, I have questioned God's calling, my husband's love for me, my purpose (and if I even HAD one). The truth is, there were times where I considered leaving my marriage and returning to Summersville because, there, I KNEW life. I KNEW people, I KNEW ministry. (Y'all, I am not lying when I tell you that this blog post is messy.) The truth is, I have never been so barren, so hurt, so bitter... but man, have I never been more aware.
Thursdays have lovingly been coined "crazy Thursday". My new job is M-W. On Thursdays, I was too alone with my thoughts. Y'all, I lost it. Sweet Lee and some amazing friends and my momma and daddy talked me off the ledge more than a few times, but I'm pretty sure they questioned my sanity. I heard words come out of my mouth and part of me was thinking "You DON'T think that! Why are you saying that?!" and the other part of me was saying "What is there to lose?!"
The problem is, that this move wasn't anything we sought out. God spoke obviously, boldly, and wouldn't take any "no's". I have read the Bible. I wasn't going to be a Jonah. So, we went. But the thing was, I was leaving everything that had defined my adulthood. The amount I loved my job as a Spanish teacher at Nicholas County High School was kind of sad. I LOVED my job. I loved my students, my coworkers, my routine... (I never liked getting up early. That will never change.) I loved our church and our church family. I loved our friends and being close to both sets of our parents. Now, we are living in a 1 bedroom apartment with all of us and both dogs, I'm a "teaching assistant", no one knew who I was, heck, I had to use the GPS to find the grocery store.
I felt purposeless. In Summersville, I had taken on TOO many jobs and here, I was just twiddling my thumbs. A song that I've heard on the radio began playing in my mind "empty me of me so I can be filled with You." I began to realize how much my purpose had been built on my comfort. I knew my students and our youth kids. They knew me. I knew my coworkers, and my friends, and my church... But it was time to put our words into action. Too often we have spoken about "getting out of our comfort zones" and "being obedient to what God has called you to", but until 5 months ago, that meant starting a new Bible study. Or talking to a friend. It had never meant uprooting my family, moving (not into a house), into a town where I was constantly lost and uncomfortable, where I would be very sick for my first month of work... It never meant that. Until it did.
Then, people starting asking me hard questions. One noted one was from one of my favorite people in the world (She had no idea when she got her counseling degree that she would talk her crazy friend through every Thursday for the near future) When I told her "I'm thinking I may just walk away and come back home." She said "Have you prayed about that? Do you feel that's what God's calling you to?" No. I hadn't. I didn't care. I wanted to be home. I wanted my house, my job... But that question made me realize how far I had let the bitterness go. I was so blue that I was sleeping in and not taking care of my physical side nor my spiritual side. I would sleep as late as possible, bite everyone's head off, go to work and fantasize about being back at NCHS, come home (in an incredibly chipper mood, as you could guess), and fight with Lee because he was an easy target of my frustration.
*Side note* Lee and I have made a pointed decision to never argue in front of our kids. Which is really difficult in "760 sq feet of fun". We would "Whisper fight". We would claim sore throats and sit an inch from each other to voice our frustrations with one another. It's funny now. *
A week later, I texted a few close people and said, "I'm going to say this because I'm having a good, clear thinking day: I wonder how much of God's plan for me is emptying myself of me. Maybe I've made being known and knowing things a false god in my life. Maybe my purpose has had too much emphasis and has wrapped myself up into one prideful being."
Maybe it isn't about me. And by "maybe" I mean it isn't. Our constant egocentrism suddenly changes the Gospel to be ME centered and not centered on Christ. My constant need to beg God "What's my purpose?! What do you want from me here?! Why did you make us leave?!" was just me saying "FOR THE LOVE WOULD YOU MAKE THIS ABOUT ME!" And what I finally heard was "But it isn't about you. You've always said that it's about Me. This is where the rubber meets the road."
I started doing a Bible study called "Missing Pieces" by Jennifer Rothschild. She asked a few tough questions on the first day:
- Have you ever felt a lack of compassion from God?
- How do you feel he should have reacted to your situation?
I remember a book Lee and I read a few years ago stated, "What if marriage wasn't ever intended to make you HAPPY but to make you HOLY?" It isn't about me. Oh, how I want it to be. Oh, how I want for the stars to align and for everything to be roses and sunshines, but Jesus said to "take up your cross" and crosses were never beautiful nor easy nor pleasant. But they're necessary.
I am still not sure exactly WHY God has called us here. But we know that He has. We know that His Word never falls void. We know that He is faithful. We talk and sing about Him being "The Rock of Ages" and I find so much comfort in knowing that there is nothing new under the moon to Him.
I also know that, as Dr. Swindoll stated:
"It [my attitude] is more important than appearance, than giftedness, and skill. It will make or break a church, a company, a home. The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."
I am beginning to know that I am called to have an attitude like Christ's, therefore causing me to ask better questions. Instead of "Why am I here?" I say "I'm here. How can I love? How can I let someone see You in me today?" I have found a new love in Lee. Not the giddy school girl type of thing (Don't get my wrong... I still swear he is the most handsome thing I've ever laid my eyes on), but the kind of love that has seen me act in a way so different than the woman he married and the kind of love that has always been kind and gentle and quickly accepted my apology for the mean and awful things I said in a fit. The kind of love where he has loved me as Christ has loved the church. The kind of love that has been in the trenches together. The kind of love on a 2 man team with a Coach that we wonder "what in the world is He doing?" but together, we have learned to trust and lean on both God and each other. It has gotten so much more.
By God's grace for a few less crazy Thursdays, and a soon closing date (And probably a few more trips to Target to buy important things like bleach), and I can stop lying. For now, I am living as an empty vessel and ready to be filled.
