1+1=4?

As we all know, I am a type A personality that has big problems relinquishing control. My friends laugh at me about how I plan out details of my life that I essentially have zero control over. But I am idealistic and have determined how God can most efficiently use mine and His time by following the schedule that I have set before Him. It's a problem. I know.

When we decided to have Nina, our youth kids all laughed about "The plan" and how hilarious it was that God seemingly adhered to our timetable and we got pregnant the first month we tried. However, after 25 weeks until a week after delivery, things definitely weren't in accordance to my plan. Anyone who has ever tried to keep me on bedrest, deserves extra jewels in their crown. And medication. Stat. (Don't be alarmed by my use of medical terminology. I never missed an episode of ER. I'm practically a physician.)

The hardest part of my experience was that I felt like I missed out on the first several hours of my daughter's life. I didn't have the joyous moments of cuddling, nursing, and taking endless pictures with my hair looking like a jungle and exhaustion written all over my face. Instead, I was in surgery, swollen beyond recognition. Receiving unit after unit of blood. Both hands consumed by IVs, a catheter, compression sleeves on my legs, shivered by fever, and starving for being NPO for two days. For years, I was wrecked by the thoughts of what I could have missed if I hadn't made it. Of Lee being a single dad and my daughter never knowing me. 

When we got married, we both determined that we wanted two kids. Both of our families of origin were families of 4 and that is what seemed complete. However, from my delivery, I was crippled. Crippled with fears of "What if?" and "Will it happen again?" Often times, paralyzed. 

Last August, I was at a Living Proof Live event in Knoxville and I realized that I was living as a slave to my fear. If I didn't give God reigns to our dreams of having two children, my fear won. What wonderful joys could this world be missing out on because I was afraid of a "what if?". We decided that after issues were resolved with my sinus infections, we would try again. 

Flash forward to two weeks ago when I was at another Living Proof Live event (I love those things)

I had some time alone in my car where I wasn't singing "The wheels on the bus" or discussing the newest NCHS boys' soccer strategy of executing the 4-4-2 and was singing with my favorite band Rend Collective Experiment and these lyrics came on:

"I do not need safety
as much as I need You
You're dangerous
but Lord, You're beautiful.
I'll chase You through the pain
I'll carry my cross
Cause real love is not afraid to bleed."

I was washed over not with a resolution to try, but a peace to relinquish control. During worship, we sang "in death. In life. I'm confident and covered by the power of Your great love. My debt is paid. There's nothing that can separate my heart from Your great love." I was completely abandoned. 

So, we now have a positive pregnancy test!! Many people choose to keep their pregnancies a secret until the first trimester has passed. As you may know about me, I am an open book (Much too open for many people's likings). When Nina came, we were too excited to keep it secret. (I think we tried, but made it a grand total of 4 hours) (Also, hiding pregnancy from a classroom of 30 teenagers when you're running out of first block to be sick is about as easy as hiding a steak in the house from my dog. They know what's up.) We are making this pregnancy open this early to cover the next 40 weeks in prayer. I am still torn about what is the "right" way to pray for this. Lee and I had a long discussion about if it is the right thing to pray for health when I feel that so much good has come from my lack of health in my previous delivery. So much closer to The Lord and so much control relinquished. I am asking for prayers for wisdom for the doctors treating me. I am asking for prayers for peace, lack of stress, and guidance. I am asking for prayer for God's will to be done God's way.

According to the calcuators, due date will be the first week of June!

"Not to us. O Lord, not to us, but to Him be the glory. Psalm 115:1"