What to think when you're thinking of nothing

I am often described as a multitasker. An energizer bunny. (Sadly, no one under the age of 18 will get that). I once cooked dinner, while talking on the phone, nursing a baby, and making a store list in my head. I'm not exaggerating. I have always been capable of having multiple things going at once and last night, I had a meltdown because I couldn't focus on putting cheese on a pizza because the music was too loud. 

Since the dreaded words from the ultrasound "I'm so sorry", I have thought about nothing. I find myself staring into space and being completely weirded out that, while I'm conscious, I am delightfully only present physically. I have tried to engage myself in Bible study, planning for Christmas presents, deep conversations with friends, and long term planning with Lee and I come out empty. 

When I AM thinking about something, it's not what people would think. This morning, I found myself staring off contemplating a student's cute boots they had on.

Generally, one would assume, an empty mind should be a reprieve from my mind that is usually going 109 mph, but it's disconcerting. My bosses are wanting me to think about graduation, goal setting, lesson planning, and student control. I am thinking about the odd shape of a cinder block, lunch, and the color of floor tiles. 

My Bible study book (that I started prior to the miscarriage) asks me to think about idols, priorities, and bondage and I can't wrap my head around anything but hurt that stings so much that my brain takes a detour to couches or kitchen utensils. (I would love a gray couch)

I desperately want to move on, but I am reminded by the fact that my pants don't button, my hormones are apparent all over my face, I'm still avoided by friends who aren't sure what to say, so they continue to say nothing. I want to have the freedom to be sad, but feel the push to move on. I went back to work and went back to church. Am receiving emails and texts inviting me to social events and I die a little inside thinking of making small talk. I started showering again (I'm pretty sure my family was happy about that), doing my hair and makeup. I cook, I run, and I smile. I hug, I accept condolences, I sleep. 

But inside, nothing. 

I'm not sure how to handle it. I feel that everyone is looking at me to see if I'm on the edge of a breakdown. If I scratch my eye, do they think I'm on the brink of sobbing? I have found that there is a strange thing about the human spirit: we are considerably more aware of ourselves than other people are. Even though MY life is consumed in an abyss, I am keenly aware that I'm just another hurting person in the world. And my goodness, there are many. 

I am reminded of how quick I am to make a judgement of a person's reaction to me based on my interpretation. Maybe a person is less than friendly because they had a bad day. Or, maybe they miss an event I plan because it's all they can do to hold it together enough to cook dinner. Maybe they didn't stick around to talk, because their marriage is in trouble. Maybe a hurt from months ago is still consuming their hearts in a world that says once you're back in it, your pain shouldn't hurt anymore. 

We are inundated by a culture that believes that MY reaction to a problem should be YOUR reaction and anything less is uncomfortable or weird. 

As I have stated before, I have looked for the little bits of gratitude in a sea of hurt and disappointment, but find myself irritated at myself for the times I have concluded that someone must be upset at me because they didn't speak when I saw them. I decided that their indifference to me must mean there is a rift between us. I must have done something to upset them. 

If ANYTHING through this, I am learning about extending grace. To consider more than MY feelings in a world completely covered in more hurt than words can explain. Assume the best and pray for the person. Chances are, they're not at all upset, but distracted, overwhelmed, full of worry, or not sure where their necessities will be found. Maybe, instead of assuming someone's irritation with us, we should think about what their last thoughts are before they close their eyes. Maybe that is when we can fully understand and love each other.